Nasty Wal-Mart and other Southwest Florida Ramblings

I arrived in Fort Meyers beach on Friday morning, foolishly assuming it would be much easier to find an Internet connection than it has been. Then again, I should never assume certain things about South Floridia, because Floridians are a mish-mash of oddities that I can't quite put my finger on. A girlfriend of mine once told me, "Stay away from Florida boys, they have sand in thier ears." Well, I think many people here in Florida have sand in their ears--not just boys, but the mix of young and old and natives who I am trying not to stereotype in any form--but sometimes such observations are inevitable.

Case in point: Last night (Sunday night) I made the mistake of going to the 24-hour super Walmart because I needed envelopes, some stamps and batteries. The first thing I see when I walk in is a row of soda-flavored cakes. Seven-up cake, Orange Crush cake (appropriately orange), Hawaiian Punch cake, Dr. Pepper Cake, Cherry Vanilla Coke cake ... the list goes on. I suddenly felt the urge to conduct science experiments. Then I realized that half the rack was gone, and people actually ate these things! They they digested them, was another story all together. After dodging amused glances from the locals, I moved onto waiting in line to purchase minutes for an overseas phone card. While standing in line, there is ... something .. in front of me wearing a shirt that reads "Fuck Y'all, I'm from Texas." His shopping cart consisted of the following (nothing more, nothing less)

--five, three-pound bags of frozen, "Sam's Choice" chicken quarters

--two, two-pound bags of cornmeal (again, "Sam's Choice")

--one case of Mountain Dew (name brand)

The shirt resembled a tent and he kind of grunted and snorted at the cashier ... who, when, I requested to purchase "two hours" on my phone card said, "no, I need to know who many minutes you need." I kind of looked at her and she turned around and asked the other cashier across from her how minutes was in two hours. Seriously. I was frightened by the whole ordeal while simultaneously. The worst part of the experience came at the end of the trip while I was walking out to my car, I am la-la-laing in Jenn Land when this car pulls up with tinted windows and blows the loudest fog horn into my ear and then speeds away! My ear was ringing for three hours afterwards and I still can't figure out who and why the person did it. It was as if this phantom car came out of nowhere, and just as quickly, sped away. I was not walking the street and if that was an attempt to honk at me or make some other cat call, I swear, that guy must not get many chicks. I was horrified and scared and started screaming and running after the car. "Fuckface!!!" I said, flaying my plastic bag in the air.

In Florida, I understand people even less. I am out of my element even less with the prsence of beach and sun ... but I am not necessarily looking forward to coming back to my hot apartment and (more) piles of work. I ate at this lovely bistro yesterday on patio on the point of Captiva island and drank a Key Lime margarita after getting tossed around by waves. I have several scraps on my back from getting tossed around so much. In many ways, I wish I would have been "cleansed" after the Wal-Mart experience ... on the flip side, I found the original Creepshow DVD (George Romero, circa 1982) in a clearance bin for five bucks.

For a minute, I found salvation.